bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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