when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
be right there i have to get my cape
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
