I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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