I was born with a shot glass in my hand
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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