Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize