I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
