I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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