I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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