Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
