We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
