My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
