I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
