like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think i have two assholes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
