I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
