you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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