I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
