But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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