life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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