Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
