the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
