ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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