So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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