Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
