I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
