God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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