Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
