yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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