New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
