walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
