Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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