there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
