just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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