Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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