And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
