OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
