i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
