Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think a kid would responsible me up
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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