Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
