So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
