i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
