I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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