respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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