How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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