Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
