I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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