Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can vaginas get frostbite?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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