How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
