Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
