Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
