Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
we should paint friendship bongs
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