I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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