Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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