my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
