I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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