bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
