Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
