i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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