I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
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My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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