it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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