there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
