So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
